Hurty Elbow

pictalkies #2 - Unpredictable Transportation

Pictalkies: The funniest photos you've ever heard.
New on Mondays!

Unpredictable Transportation
Bring two horses, just in case your car breaks down.

watch at blip | watch at youtube

Full Archive

Extended Closed Captions

Tired old man carrying large chain and leading two horses through the snow.

Old Man: Why am I the only one who's freaked out about the size of these snowflakes?  We should get to dinner soon before one of them kills us.  I brought two horses with this time, just in case the car breaks down again.

Cut to Pic of Car Upside Down

Old Man: It's been pretty unpredictable lately without... wheels.  But don't worry, I'm having the rim replaced soon with, a wooden wheel.  It won't go flat, but it might start on fire.  I'm leaving the broken headlight as well.  It's fine if I just close one eye.

Cut to Man

Old Man: Here I brought you a necklace.  It's a little heavy, so remember to lift with your legs.

End Credits

Horse: I don't have any arms!

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Plant Names That Are Obviously Deadly

Nature's great for fresh air, but being outside all the time could lead to eating plants.  So if there's a weed growing through  a crack in the sidewalk, can you eat it?

Who knows?  Thankfully most of nature's been paved over so you don't have to worry about deadly poisonous plants.

Plant Names That Are Obviously Deadly*
If you eat these, you're an idiot.

Bleeding Heart
Blood flows through the heart anyway, so it's not that bad?  It is.  Hope eating flowers was worth it.

Poison Hemlock
The most famous person poisoned by hemlock was Socrates.  Were you more famous?

Death Angel Mushrooms
They sounded so harmless.

Choke Cherry
Choking on anything can kill you, but a twig from this tree can choke you, poison you, and then steal your wife.

Devil's Trumpet
If you listen closely and touch one you could hallucinate and fall into a coma.  Kind of like techno.

Skunk Cabbage
It's pungent odor should've been a warning sign not to eat it.  Too bad you can't smell anymore, 'cause you were poisoned.

Strychnine Tree
The bark is poisonous.  It's great for treehouses!

*You might need to be a dog, goat, or other animal to be poisoned. Congratulations to you my friend.  You're a goat who can read.

More Poisonous Plant Info:
Cornell University Poisonous Plants Informational Database

Pictalkies #1 - Urinal

Pictalkies: The funniest photos you've ever heard.
New on *Mondays!

Urinal
Life's demeaning; especially if you're a urinal.

watch at blip | watch at youtube

Full Archive

Extended Closed Captions

Lonely urinal in a corner.

Urinal: I'm tired of getting pissed on by everybody I meet.  They just dangle it in front of my face.  No I don't want to see that, yes put it away.  It wasn't supposed to be this way you know.  I could've been a sink.  At least I'm not stuck in a stall.  They have it worse.  Hold on, someone's coming.

Blackout.

Urinal: Gargle, gargle, gargle.

Submit photos for Pictalkies
Submitting material indicates you allow hurtyelbow.com to publish and use your pictures in any manner for this and future projects without payment or fee. 

Pictalkies FAQ
What are Pictalkies?
Pictalkies are funny talking photographs.  Kind of like animated captions.  e.g. Your toaster caught fire because it hates you.

What are "Extended Closed Captions"?
Online video should be short.  Visiting hurtyelbow.com gives you exclusive access to the original script with bonus jokes that didn't make the final cut.

Can you animate my photos?
Probably.  Everything shoots pictures now.  Your toothbrush has a camera in it.  You can send pics to your dentist.  You probably have an image that'd be great for Pictalkies.

What kind of pictures work best?
At least medium quality photos of objects, people, animals, candids, vacation photos, etc.  Let's make a sunset talk.  Shall we?  Photo series are welcome.  Side profiles of subjects will not work. 

Submit photos for Pictalkies
Submitting material indicates you allow hurtyelbow.com to publish and use your pictures in any manner for this and future projects without payment or fee.

*Schedule subject to change.

Not Cute Enough: Rustic Bacon

Not Cute Enough for Snorable.org.

You wake up, and you want bacon.  You want bacon so bad, but you can't find it anywhere.  You'd try the fridge, but you're not at home.  You're out about running errands, in the middle of nowhere.  Sometimes, you just have to resort to rustic bacon.

This animal is where rustic bacon comes from.  A wild boar pig thing with large tusks.  It may also be what tofu is made of.

Hunting rustic bacon has its pitfalls.  Boar attacks are painful, and you might get "food" poisoning, but you'll grin and bear it because bacon is delicious.

Inappropriate Responses

• Cop: Your tail light is out.
  Driver: I'm blind.

• Doctor: Turn your head and cough.
  Patient: Last time I saw the eye doctor, I kept my pants on.

• Wife: I'm pregnant.
  Husband: Who's the father?

• Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer: So hungry!
  Santa: Try the venison.

• Girlfriend: ...so I got detention, and that's probably the worst thing I've ever done.
  Boyfriend: I killed a man.

• Patient: Wha wa dat crack zound?
  Dentist: Looks like today's half price.

Not Cute Enough: Malaria

Not Cute Enough for Cute Overload.

Female mosquitoes love biting people.  Their tiny straw drains blood and afterwards they use it to spread malaria.  That's pretty much all they do.  Sometimes they mate.

Mosquito bites itch, because of the malaria.  It's highly contagious as well.  You can get it by sharing drinks, or from kissing a mosquito.  Some people are immune to mosquito bites.  These people will never die.

Some symptoms of Malaria are fever, chills, and nausea.   Feeling ill?  You might have it now!  If you're truly unlucky it's possible your malaria can lead to coma and death.  Don't worry though, it's totally not that deadly.

You can use insect repellent and periodically slap yourself in random places to ward off mosquitoes.  Long sleeves and pants will also help, unless you're on a hiking trail and someone has stolen all of your clothes.

Keep in mind, there is no vaccine for malaria.  So, it's a lot like rabies.  At least dog bites don't itch, right?

Ramune The Japanese Soft Drink

Ramune is an unusual carbonated soft drink from Japan.  It comes in a variety of flavors including peach, melon, and lychee.

Ramune's codd-neck bottle is vacuum sealed by a marble. When you use the provided plunger to dislodge the marble the soda can explode out the top.  Even if you don't shake it.

Getting to that point can be difficult.  Even with four-step directions printed on the back.  You'll have fun watching newbies trying to open one.  It's also nearly impossible to open if you throw away the plunger cap.  Unless you have a pen, or you know, ingenuity.

To drink Ramune you have to keep the marble away from the neck so it doesn't block the flow.

I'm scared for people like you, who haven't tried it yet, getting stranded in the desert with an unopened bottle of Ramune.  You should start practicing.

You can find Ramune in Asian restaurants or grocery stores.  You can find Coca-Cola everywhere.

• The Official Web Site
• Ramune Soda Pop Spraying Everywhere on Youtube
• How to Remove the Marble in under an hour
• Fizzy Water -- With Japanese Style
• How to Open and Drink a Bottle of Ramune

Bob Saget Doing Banner Ads

Not content traveling the country telling dick jokes Bob Saget is now making frequent appearances in banner advertisements.

Notice Saget and his trademarked grin in the ad above for "Transform Your Debt into Wealth w/ John Cummuta".

Unfortunately the free cd about debt reduction is nothing but hours and hours of dick jokes.  You've been had, like a kick to the groin.  Let that be a lesson to you that nothing's more important than family.  Now who wants cookies?